.......Every time I start to share who Riley was I'm overwhelmed with the pain of his absence here with me. I know he is in heaven, he loved the Lord. He had chosen to publicly tell of his personal relationship with Jesus by getting baptized in June of 2018. We were baptized together that day. 

As I add to this....there will be pauses....please come back to read more.

Today I am struggling.....I am lonely for his hugs...for the "love you mama"....for his laugh.....

Riley had made some choices that he believed were so bad that there wasn't a path forward. He was in a hopeless place and believed I was better off without him here....what a horrible lie he believed. 

Riley wasn't a depressed kid, he was a silly, funny, adventurous, sweet, kind guy. He cared about what others thought, and with that many times he didn't say no to things he knew better than to be a part of. Going down those paths was just part of the burden he carried afterwards. The added anxiety of knowing he was not doing what he should and then having to keep it from me.  The fear of my disappointment was so great it created a path for the enemy of his soul to hammer him with lies. Riley's fear that he had lost everything that kept him safe, and belief that our relationship was destroyed and could not be saved because of his choices was a lie. There would have been consequences, every choice has a consequence but our relationship was never in jeopardy. The struggle was temporary....it was not permanent.

With his judgement impaired he was not able to see that.

The devastation...the tragedy....there isn't a word that fully expresses the magnitude of this trauma....it shouldn't be this way...there was so much to look forward to.

There were people in his life that did not look out for him....they allowed doors to be opened and did not do the right thing....for them I hope they make better choices. 

I would say to Riley, "do the right thing, because it's the right thing to do."....."make good choices".....he lived in the moment...he lived those moments to the fullest...he was meant for more.

Who is Riley?

Riley is my son, he was born August 04, 2005. The very best day of my life!!

Watching life through Riley's eyes was amazing, all I wanted to do was spend every minute with him. We were two peas in a pod. The life I had before Riley was dull compared to the joy and love I was completely emersed in.